1)
A popular song [I do not know its name] tells of a young man who bursts in to tell his parents of his engagement to Susan, a neighbor. His father takes him aside and confesses that since the wife has never been much in the sack, he's fooled around over the years and Susan is actually the young man's half sister. Heartbroken, the son breaks off the engagement. A year later, he bursts in with the same news, only now he's engaged to Dianne. Again, his father confesses that Dianne, too, is the son's half sister. The son goes to his mother and says: "Dad has done so much harm...: Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." The mother shakes her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."2) Click - scroll - learn Dr. Bob's Quiz Results - November 99
3) BIBLE QUOTES AND INSTIGHTS As Written By Children (not corrected for grammar or spelling and emailed in by John Rafferty)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
4) My wife just brought home what
she called
"a Secular Humanist joke" from her
swim club . . .
You know why New Yorkers don't believe in
God?
Because the bright light at the end of
the long tunnel is New Jersey.
— John Rafferty (He lives in
NJ— publisher)
5) The following was
originally published
in the Bradley Scout, the newspaper of Bradley University.
Direct all questions, comments or other feedback to
mhunsber@rhf.bradley.edu.
Are you there, God? It's me, Melissa. Hello? God?
By Melissa Hunsberger, Bradley University
I am enlightened. I’m walking around town with a crucifix,
leading a cow behind me while shouting "mazeltov."
That’s how enlightened I am.
The most amazing thing happened a few weeks ago. I
talked to God. No kidding. I’ve never done anything like
that before.
I said, "God." I said, "I need your help. School is about to
start, and I’m down here getting ready, and all I can think
is that if only I had the courage, I would drop out of
school, rebel against my parents’ wishes and join the
Peace Corps. If you could help me out here, I could really
use your input. I work during the day so you can usually
catch me in the evenings."
A few nights later, God contacted me. I had been awake
56 straight hours because I was so paranoid I might miss
His Calling. But finally, in the wee hours of my third
straight sleepless night, I heard His
Voice loud and clear.
"Melissa?"
I immediately recognized the strange male voice in my
otherwise empty apartment as the Word of God.
"God!" I said. "God! It’s really you! You really exist!"
"Si," He said. "Pero solo hablo espanol."
"Excuse me?"
"Oh nothing," God said. "It’s just a little joke."
I was totally starstruck. "I can’t believe I’m really talking
to you, God! It’s like ... Robert DeNiro. I mean, you’re
bigger than the Pope."
I could hear thunderclouds rumbling outside.
"Let’s keep to the matter at hand," He said. "I know
you’re interested in doing missionary work, but I think
you would be ill-advised to take that up. Ultimately, of
course, it’s up to you.
"You’re free to choose," He added with a chuckle.
"But why, God? I think I have the skills necessary to
really do some good. I’d like to help."
I know that one of God’s most respectable traits is His
honesty, but I wish He could have been a little more
tactful.
"Frankly, your interpersonal skills are weak, your morals
are barometric, and your faith has been tainted by logic,"
He said. "I mean, up until five minutes ago, you weren’t
even convinced of my existence!"
"But God! I’m a humanitarian. I love all people and desire
to help them help themselves."
"I really don’t see it happening," He said.
I was beside myself. Here it is, the word of God Himself,
advising me not to pursue my lifelong dream.
"So, it’s back to hitting the books at Bradley, then?" I
asked, trying to make Him feel sorry for me.
"Actually, might I suggest an alternative? Caterpillar
Industries has a variety of exciting career opportunities
available for students studying (I could hear pages ruffling)
... Liberal Arts and Sciences."
"What are you talking about, God?" I asked Him,
shocked. "It sounds like you’re reading a press release.
My God! You don’t work for Caterpillar, do you?"
"Oh, I freelance," He said. "You’d be surprised what the
endorsement of an internationally recognized deity can do
for sales."
I had a lot of questions for God. I wanted to know what
heaven was like and how long I would live and why bad
things happen to good people. But He cut our
conversation short.
"Good luck. Remember what I said. I have things to
attend to," He said.
And then He was gone. I’ve decided He was probably
right. I’ve always been a pretty half-assed humanitarian,
anyway.
On the other hand, maybe it was all a big fluke. I mean,
would God really dangle a preposition?
Melissa Hunsberger is a junior English major from
South Bend, Ind. Her column runs biweekly. Since she
wrote this, God has ceased all communication with
her.
_____________________________